Goldie’s Log- 5th Day in Ivy Territory
Gosh, Blood Mage, it sure was nice of you (for a Blood Mage) to volunteer to trans grube this log for me. I mean, I don’t usually write things down, you know? So, you’re writing down everything exactly as I say it? What if I said bargle hargle jangle spank? Would you write that? You just did? Oh, it doesn’t look like words. I mean, not how I think words are supposed to look. I don’t know. Are you writing this down, right now? Weird! You’re not doing it right! I don’t think that’s how trans grubing works. It’s what? Transcribing? Then why did you say grube before? No, you definitely did. I heard you say it. I guess I can’t expect more from a nasty Blood Mage. Nooo, I’m sorry. Please trans grube- I mean, transcribe- my thing for me. Even though you use blood magic, I guess that doesn’t affect your writing skills. Maybe. Anyway.
So, it’s been five days now, and I’m really sick of walking in the woods. The goat and the Blood Mage are having weird dreams and my friend cut open a tree and a Fey last night, Albin doesn’t have his seed and I bet he misses it, Fritz is shooting things that aren’t even there, and I’m just doing my best to keep everybody fed and happy. It really comes in handy that I brushed up on my foraging because food is hard to find. It’s been getting worse the last few days, but today I couldn’t even find bugs for us to eat. I didn’t tell anybody, but I was putting bugs in the hardtack biscuits to add some prozene and make it healthier. It’s what? No, prozene, the stuff that grows your muscles. Listen, who is the one who can forage and use an axe like a completely awesome awesome person, and who is the Blood Mage? ANYway. There’s no more bugs around. No squirrels, none of those funny rabbit-looking things that cried like human babies, no more bears like Hamlet, nothing. I haven’t found any bodies, so it’s like the animals have all just left, which makes me real nervous. Gets my neck all hair-standy-uppy, you know? That is TOO a word. Stop correcting me! Note: at this point, Goldie began making bear noises and attempted to cuff transcriptionist; for his own safety, transcriptionist resumed the dictation after Goldie had eaten some berries.
Sergeant Stumpy is whining all the time, and the kittens won’t come out of the Blood Mage’s sack anymore. I don’t know why they trust you, but any port in a storm I guess. I’m worried that if this goes on for too much longer, with the no animals to eat I mean, that they will die because they won’t have any food. There are still plants around, of course, and we can eat those, but the dog and the kittens can’t. Most of the kittens are skin and bones, but it’s hard to tell with the dog since he’s almost as hairy as Albin. Even this wouldn’t be so bad if the trees and grass and stuff would just leave us alone. If I had claws like a bear, I’d just claw them all up and then they’d know that they should leave us alone, but I don’t so I have to use my axe. It’s a good axe, but it isn’t made for cutting up plants. It’s made for cutting up bad guys, like these filthy Jottun. They’re even worse than you, Blood Mage. I will kill every one of them for what they did to my family, and for taking my friends. Quinlan and Scary Horse don’t deserve to be eaten or whatever it is that those bastards are going to do to them. We’re going to rescue them, I know it! And if you don’t think it’s poison, I’ll feed all of their bodies to my kittens and my puppy. Then they can just end up as poop on the ground, like they deserve.
Even the stupid PLANTS grabbing us all the time wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the buzzing noise. It’s still pretty faint, but it’s around all the time now. I think we must be getting closer to where the Jottun lair is, but the noise is terrible. It just goes on and on and it hurts my head and my teeth and my bones and it makes me feel like crying all the time. It makes us all grumpy, and with that and not being able to find any real food, we’re in pretty bad shape. If I die, feed me to the kittens, and don’t use any of my blood for your nasty magics, okay? I’m trusting you.
Hold on, let me look at your bag, the kittens are acting weird…
The littlest kitten just died.
My head hurts.